It’s not an easy task driving round the Central London shopping district
Driving in Central London is one of the most stressful things you can do; it’s a fact. You may have read our coverage of me tackling Croydon’s toughest roundabouts, and recently, I bravely navigated my way around the fearsome Hanger Lane Gyratory.
But now I had a different kind of test: the agonisingly slow, pedestrian-infested waters of Oxford Street and the narrow, winding roads around it. Plans to make Oxford Street greener have gone further in recent years, with London Mayor Sir Sadiq Khan proposing that it be fully pedestrianised from Orchard Street to Great Portland Street.
It’s been controversial, though, with Westminster City Council’s Conservatives accusing Sir Sadiq of “pressing on regardless” with the plans despite strong opposition. The scheme could well be completed by the end of the summer.
As usual, I pick up our brilliant pap, Facundo Arrizabalaga, do the driving, drop him off and then send him on his merry way.
The journey there was hellish. My navigation app sent me through a rogue’s gallery of central London congestion blackspots. The 45-minute odyssey from Vauxhall via Victoria and Park Lane, to Marble Arch (3.5 miles) was by some way one of the worst drives I’ve done in my very short life behind the wheel.
Biblical hailstorms, police gunning down the side of me, white van drivers and black cabbies cutting lanes without indicating were just a few of the crazed things I saw. To be honest, I’m surprised I didn’t leave with my bonnet hanging off.
From the top of Park Lane to Oxford Street, it’s a simple 30-odd second trip round the Marble Arch roundabout. Except I had an epic blond moment and ended up in the wrong lane, forcing me to do it twice. But I got it right the second time around, and I was now at the bottom of Oxford Street: the task was officially underway.
The journey is effectively a straight line running parallel to Oxford Street, so on paper it shouldn’t have been too difficult. Blimey, I was wrong, it was an epic peregrination of clutch burning, stopping and starting with the odd scary moment thrown in to keep me awake.
Taking the first left off Oxford Street by Pret into Great Cumberland Place, I then turned right into Seymour Street and Portman Square, where a snailbrain enjoying the immortality shield provided by his massive pair of Bose headphones, walked out into the road without looking. Fortunately, I’m a switched-on motorist, and I firmly stopped before splattering them on the road. He ambled on, apparently oblivious to the fact that he had come within millimetres of being crushed by my silver banger.
Slightly shaken, I trundled on. Stop start stop start. Traffic lights, zebra, double-parked vans, zebra, group of Italian school kids blocking the road. I began to understand why some people fall asleep at the wheel, even though it’s usually on a motorway. I’m a fearless journalist, however, and I always keep my wits about me, so there’s no time for dozing off.
Then it was into Wigmore Street, a good five-minute wait to cross Regent Street, just down from the BBC and right into Wells Street, where we rejoined Oxford Street just by Gap.
At the junction with Tottenham Court Road, we got caught up in a long detour via a jammed-up Bedford Square. It was there that we had the worst moment of our journey, a true heart-in-mouth moment. Just as Facundo and I were turning right onto Gower Street, a food deliveryman on a bike cut across us without even looking. I missed him by a hair’s breadth.
I’d love to share with you what I yelled in horror, but there are some things I won’t write.
I also need to warn you that some of the road markings in the area were poor, and I think Westminster Council could do with giving the road a lick of paint for safety’s sake. Eventually, I’d wound my way back onto the east end of Oxford Street. ‘God, this is depressing, I thought,’ as I gazed mournfully at the soulless sight of Curry’s opposite the Jessops.
Eventually, we made it back to Marble Arch in one piece, with my bonnet still attached and London’s cyclists living to fight another day. In all honesty, though, it’s stressful and tiring. If it’s like that when people have to pay the congestion charge, imagine what it would be like without it. My advice is just to take public transport if you’re going through the area.
Success! Another brilliant driving story in the bag. Happy me, happy Facundo, here’s to the next one!
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